Are you there Me? It’s your Subconscious
So it’s my turn to ask all you Chatty Cathies a question :)
I dreamed last night. It was one of the most vivid and complex dreams I’ve ever had. So of course I have to share.
I am 18 again and my family has moved back to the city where I was born; a place we left when I was 9. I am starting my senior year there, furious because I am having to start all over when I should have things all pegged down. In my homeroom I recognize the more mature faces of kids I’d gone to kindergarten with, people who in reality I haven’t thought of in more than a decade. They don’t recognize me, I am just some new girl and they are cliquey. Even the teacher seems to exclude me. As an afterthought she hands me my schedule at the end of a lesson that I am woefully stupid in.
She walks with me down the hall a little ways, explaining that my clothes, which in reality would have been suitable at any Fortune 500 company’s Board meeting, do not meet dress code. On top of everything else, I am going to have to buy special clothes from the school store.
We stop outside a classroom and my HR teacher pauses, hand on the doorknob.
"Two minutes to the bell. Good Luck finding your chemistry class." she tells me.
For the first time it is impressed upon me how vast this new school is. I am wandering a maze of corridors, passing groups of people who don’t even seem to register that I’m there. I wander through locker rooms, botanical gardens, a coin museum, and gather that classes seem to be arranged in wings by department, but these wings are labeled with numbers not words.
I am woefully late, utterly stumped where this classroom could be, and certain that I have just made a circle. Then, like a miracle, I see one of the girls from my homeroom. In a moment of lucid dreaming, I identify her as my first grade playmate S.
"S! are you going to chemistry?" I call out.
She turns, rakes me over with her eyes and says, “Yeah.”
Then she continues on. I run after her, still trying to talk, finally giving up and focusing on just following her to class.
I sit in the front when we get there. I seem to be the only one during the lecture sitting on that side of the room. All the others whisper about me. I am irrevocably an outsider. They tell me so as I pack up an try to make my way to the buses. They tell me the buses won’t take me home, or pick me up in the morning because I don’t belong here. They tell me they feel certain the chemistry teacher, who has stepped out for a cigarette, will have me expelled for breaking dress code.
This is the first time I’ve ever had the stereotypical “school anxiety” dream. What seemed so disturbing to me about it when I initially awakened was it’s vividness and complexity. Usually, my dreams melt away with the dawn, leaving me with only impressions of what I felt and at an utter loss to recall that odd sense of story and logic that all dreams have when you are dreaming them.
But this one felt almost branded into my brain. Have you ever had a dream like this? I find myself wondering if it’s vividness and my ability to remember it has any bearing on the state of my subconscious?
Thoughts? Questions? Answers? Psych evaluations (haha)?